Back to Basics

I swear - I learn something new everyday.

I just finished reading "Women, Food & God" by Geneen Roth. What an amazing book. The first half was sort of iffy for me but the last half has really caused me to do some major self-analysis. She describes two different types of "eaters" or personalities, one is more restrictive and focuses on deprivation, while the other is more spontaneous, hates saying "no" and eats with abandon. I recognize myself in the latter. Although it's funny because I have also come to realize that I definitely try to control others, but not myself. I advise, counsel, reprimand and instruct certain people in my life and at once can recognize who will and who will not allow me to do so. I will gladly tell you exactly what you should do and I'll even hold you to it, but when it comes to doing the same for me, I have a really tough time.

Geneen also touches upon the inner-critic, "The Voice" as she calls it. My critic is so strong. She describes the point at which we as children and toddlers realize that we have no control over our surroundings and therefore create these coping mechanisms and inner-parents to soothe, protect, defend and nurture ourselves. Instead of exercising self-discpline and changing my surroundings from the inside out, I join in the chaos, adapt and go with the flow. For me, chaos can be a natural state. I expect things to be tough, am not fazed by discord and weather any storm with supposed grace. Underneath it all - I'm struggling. This carpe-diem, lust for life streak in me is really just my indulgent coping mechanism and ultimately, what I really crave is security, consistency and some self-restraint.

Whew! How's that for emotional exhibitionism?

I highly recommend Geneen's book and I'm happy to report that I've already begun putting what I've learned into practice.

I have a list of things I'd like to try to do on a daily basis - here are a few:
1. Meditate for 30 mins
2. Read nightly for 30 mins
3. Make a nightly gratitude list
4. Get 45-60 mins of exercise; 4-5 days per week

I think I can do it. My brother and his fiancee will be getting married end of September and I'm a bridesmaid so I would love to lose another 15-20 lbs before then. But that's just a number, what matters most is how I feel in my skin!

I'll be kind to myself no matter what.

And still I write ....

I crave simplicity. I need laser like focus and steel trap dedication. Funny enough, these are traits I've always needed and wanted. The weight is coming off SLOWLY - like one pound a week and I'm working out like a damn masochist. I think I'm working some shit out. Maybe I've reached the point in my weight loss where the emotional crap is surfacing and I'm finally being forced to deal and heal before I can continue on. Who knows?

I'm feeling grateful in the weight loss department. My latest update is 62 lbs. down, 27 inches lost since January, down 4 dress sizes since my heaviest weight and my bubbies are finally shrinking!!! I never thought that would happen.

My cardio and weight training performances are reaching new levels. I am certain that I haven't been this "in shape" since my swimming days of high school. I recently reached a whole new level in my running and my legs feel like fucking powerhouses. I like this.

Back to the emotional tornado that is my life right now ....... I was accused of being an emotional exhibitionist by a friend recently. I suppose he's right. Funny thing is, I keep a lot inside. There's so much I don't say or express. I only share what I am certain others can relate to. If I determine that my thoughts are strange or unique, they stay with me. But most of the time I struggle with topics like mortality, insecurity and my desperate need to make sense of it all. I'm hoping that anyone taking the time to read this blog will understand that I'm just hoping someone out there can relate. Maybe you'll leave a comment or read something that will leave both of us feeling slightly less alone.

I've always found comfort in knowing that whatever mini-crisis I struggled with, was already processed and solved by someone before me. And frankly, I'd like to get all these nutso feelings down so that one day, when things are much calmer and I've grown more familiar and confident with who I am, I can look back and take pride in all the hard work it took to get there.