I stumbled upon this blog today. I had completely forgotten about it, abandoned it. A few thoughts entered into my mind as I traveled back in time and re-read my old posts:
1. Damn I can write.
2. Damn I miss running.
3. Damn I still have 40 lbs to go.
First things first - the positives.
I am PROUD of myself for having kept off most of my weight. I've been 20 lbs lighter than I am at this moment, and I've been 16 lbs. heavier but I always maintain my initial loss. Seven years ago, my very first trainer, Mike, weighed me at my first scheduled workout and when I broke down crying after seeing my weight, he said "Tish - look at that number. You'll never be that weight again."
Mike was right. I'll never get back there. I've experienced the happiness and pride of weight loss, of being in a body that felt GOOD and I become so miserable after some weight gain that I refuse to get any heavier.
I'm lethargic, easily exhausted and emotionally melancholy for the most part. This is when I have no choice but to turn up the heat and get back down to my happy weight. Except now, I need to figure out how to keep losing once I've hit that comfort zone.
In other news - my life has completely changed. My last post was four years ago. I was married, mother to a 10 year old and thoroughly contemplating who I was and where I was going. As of today, I'm divorced (have been for over 3 years), I am mother to a high school boy and it seems as though I've gained an unbelievable amount of self awareness through it all. I know who I am, I know what I want and now, I know how to get it.
Also - I have a wonderful boyfriend who loves me deeply, supports me and believes I am great. We are a great match in so many ways and I am content. I think I'm finally the girlfriend/future wife/partner that I've always wanted to be. I wasn't always honest in my past relationships. A lot of times it was because I was clueless as to what I wanted or what I was doing. Other times it was because I was selfish and had made bad choices and was simply trying to find a way to live with them.
I choose Mark every day. Not because I have to or because I should. I choose him because I want to and he gives back everything I give to our relationship.
I'm in on-going therapy. I continue to paint when I have time. I live in a house with my kiddo and two dogs. I am concentrating on rebuilding some friendships and continuing to nurture the ones I have. My finances are better than they've been in decades.
So far, my late thirties are pretty rad. I think I'm only getting better.
