I understand that for a lot of people, their 30’s are some of the best years of their lives. I suspect the same will be true for me. What I hadn’t anticipated were the growing pains of transition and change that accompanied all this new found wisdom and awareness.
It seems as though I am in the midst of a life altering perfect storm. Mid-30’s, approaching my seventh wedding anniversary, mother to a 10-year old child and reaching the 11-year mark in my career. Now add in a pinch of weight loss and it’s clear that my life is in a state of flux. If I were at a healthy weight range and content with my appearance, all of these things would still create an environment in which I might start to question where I’ve been and where I’ve yet to go. With the mental and emotional work that weight loss requires, I feel those questions are even more acute than normal.
I have a tendency to get lost in regret and “what-ifs.” What if I had gone to college? What if I hadn’t taken that anti-depressant that caused a 50 lb. weight gain? What if I had waited until I was older to start a family? What if I had tried harder? Intellectually, I realize that this type of thinking is nothing but an energy drain and that bogging myself down in the “what if” mire is a fruitless effort. Emotionally, I get sucked in.
Perhaps I devote so much time to the past in order to avoid doing anything about my present. What would I change if I could?
After my Grama took her own life almost 4 years ago, I was lost in the midst of grief, and I struggled for about a year with my own mortality. For the first time I realized that I too would someday leave this plane of existence and either move to the next place or cease to exist altogether. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t think about anything other than the pain I felt about leaving behind loved ones and missing out on whatever would happen after my death. Eventually this obsession faded away but what was left was the persistent feeling of wanting to live each day to its fullest. I believe this is what ultimately led to my making significant strides towards better health.
It’s become clear to me that there is a void inside me that I desperately try to fill. Sometimes that void is filled with food and shopping. Both habits are self indulgent and when I’m over-doing it, both have a very direct negative effect on those around me. In moderation, all of these things can be good fun, but in extreme amounts, I hurt myself and others.
Is addiction curable? Are we all addicts to some extent? A few of my friends recently came to the realization that they were alcoholics and a majority of them have opted out of attending any 12 step programs. In December I joined a food addicts 12-step group and I have for the most part, been following their guidelines and prescriptions for health which have resulted in a 40 lb. weight loss. But I am having doubts about whether or not I need the 12-step program and all their rules and requirements. I must attend so many meetings a week, make so many phone calls a day, and submit to a higher power (which quite frankly, I don’t really believe in. I’m more of a spiritual/universe/energy type thinker).
For the past two months I’ve been working my own program and have only lost 2 lbs. But I’ve managed to do what I’ve never been able to, maintain my weight loss with healthy food choices and exercise. In my book – this is a major win. I’ve got 40 lbs. left to go and I know what to do in order to get there. I’ll have to fight tooth and nail to achieve this goal and it will take longer than my initial 55 lb. loss. I know that I won’t get there until I figure out why I have a compulsion to over eat.
Can I figure that out on my own? Or must I acquiesce to the demands of a 12-step program which seems to me, yet another substitute for addiction?
Both of the challenges that I’m faced with at this moment require self-discipline, something I’ve never been very good at. I abhor making myself uncomfortable. Yet everyone I know who has ever achieved something has done so through being able to put hard work and discomfort before instant gratification.
There are a handful of people in my life that I admire deeply. They are intelligent, ambitious and kind. They also possess an ability to focus, commit and go after what they want. 9 times out of 10 they are successful. And they rarely, if ever, give up.
I need to walk away from regret and self pity. Tap into the competitive spirit that gets me out of the house to run, bike or swim regularly and work hard to understand what I want and what I need to do to get there. No one said it would be easy and now I must accept that it might be the hardest and most uncomfortable thing I’ve ever done.
At this point in my life, I’ve got nowhere to go but up.
